| i am not like you im not like anyone. iam unique. |
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| I been a dead man walkin'. Just forgot to lay down. |
[02 Jun 2009|05:32pm] |
Lay? Lye? Lies!
All of them.
Silken ice
Down her throat
Poison her mind
Thicken with guilt
She asks--
Customer customer!
Would you like a side of cum?
Wincing the time
With coke and rum
But the medicine
Expense
But it's her expense
But it's my expense
To concrete my fate
To curse the deity
Who provided the taste
To embalm my mind
From being a mother
Of being a father
My father!
He left me with this
He left me.
Just kidding.
I'm good right?
I'm sitting in Umass Amherst.
And I'm about to shit my pants with joy.
My dream! My dream.
I got a job.
At an Arabian restaurant.
In Northampton.
The most hippy place I've ever met.
My unknown home.
The girl next to me is making me uncomfortable.
I do miss home. However, I've realized by visiting--
That I'm not missing a thing. At all. Let nothing.
Well except BWright.
And Johnny Boy.
Who get's out in 4 weeks.
To come fuck up my life again.
I can't wait.
The lower half of me can't wait.
Hah!
My brother smokes cigarettes now.
I smoke cigarettes with my brother now.
He wants to try cough medicine.
I was like BEEN THERE. Done that.
And it was worth it.
No one reads this.
Kill the time. Kill. Kill. Kill.
I wonder what Kathryn Bertrand is doing.
Hah! To be continued.
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| You spin me right round. baby right round. when you go down. |
[26 Apr 2009|02:42pm] |
I weigh 150 lbs.
And I'm fat.
That's okay.
For now.
I get my apartment in 3 weeks.
Gibbsy get's out in two months.
Peel this thick layer
Off my thin back
Smell the pain
Sweating off the smack
How teasing!
I Drip
The cynical asethetic
And I only write poetry
To sound poetic.
I'm learning how to feel pain
Without resorting to the devil.
Life is beautiful.
Smell the birds?
Their sweet sound?
They're calling me calling me.
Don't go back down.
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[28 Mar 2009|11:53pm] |
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I'm back home. If you were important I called you. I'm not high.
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| Holyoke Public Library |
[13 Feb 2009|10:34am] |
Where Did You Go?
You Disappeared
No one noticed-
So there I was, minding my own business, being great at college and here comes TWO larceny charges prancing along to malice my dirty hands - POSSESSION- Yup. I almost went to jail for $46 theft and suboxone? How ridiculousTHEYare! How ridiculous am I?
I didn't say I was great at life-
So I had to treck to Holyoke to recuperate my wounds. 3 hours away? The venom was shaisty. Distance from NB area could only increase my chances of survival!
Meanwhile- my partner gets himself in TheBIG-House and kills our future dream of a child and all of the rest of our future hopes and dreams. -- Is it the ghost? Is the ghost really doing this to us?
I don't know Gibbsy.
But that's okay because I get to hangout with him everynight-
in my dreams. GAY!
You're still good. It's still gross. You're not reading this.
Twilight is a great BOOKmovie to be completely honest. It's the skin. The bones--But in retrospect my life played out as corny as the movie, but in my case I BECAME THE VAMPIRE-
I live with 23 girls in a big creepy beautiful house.
THIEVES
GANGSTERS
PROSTITUTES
SCHIZOPHRENICS
DRAMA QUEENS
MUDERERS
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
sick people.
Gibbsy is lost in the system for 9 months. I've redeemed my soul. Living with crazy, I flipped when it was gone. My best friend had been taken away and I felt alone. I'll mostly look back and think how silly I was, foolish, but for now he's still my soul mate. For now.
Medication is for the weak!
I must be paralyzed.
Mood disorder? on top of Clinical Depression?
Common in a dysfunctional society?
Whatever- I don't want to die anymore.
Let's see how long this run of hope will last.
I look gorgeous again. I've gained 20 pounds. All which was needed. Size 5 back in action. I'm okay with that. I look like a woman now, no feeble child for me. Although the sick and dying look I do find very attractive.
I still have track marks.
The absent father is trickling back, through my personality and in my life. Patricia is still crazy. But atleast I appreciate her a hell of a lot more.
I'm coming home for my birthday.
Only to soothe my conscience and my grandmother's heart.
I'd like to say Hi to the old.
I have not forgotten the goodgood times.
And I'd like to hope I haven't been forgotten.
But for myself change is unnerving, but I will not waste time any longer.
It's not that I gave up on myself because TRUSTandBELIEVE I am aware of my potential. However, I lost the desire to live, life had betrayed me, stolen my emotions for so long my system was spent from desolation.
I still wonder- is he the painter or am I?
I do amaze myself sometimes however.
Lack of dope does not mean lack of creativity. I found out.
Oh! And isn't it amazing to have desire back in my life!
When the needle had finally pierced me to the point of feeling nothing!
My numbing tactic counter attacked. Turned meto the devil. I feel honored to have been chosen back.
The question is will I ever return?
I'm here for atleast 6 months. I have 3 down and a short 3 to go. Life is good. I wouldn't lie. I might stay up here for another year. Get housing for a cheapCHEAPcheap $120 a month after this I am entitled to if I finish. Go to Amherst? Finish school? Accomplish my dream of escaping that hell hole I love to call home? Let's be an artist and travel to Europe!
I think I will.
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| addict! |
[25 Sep 2008|09:44pm] |
My hair is brown again. Auburn.
I'm eating cheesecake for the forth consecutive night.
Gibbsy is in jail.
For months.
I went away this summer. And this fall.
I live with my mother for the first time in 2 1/2 years.
Our relationship is ever so always will be makeshift.
I'm going to Caterina's boyfriend's house.
I'm making new friends.
And realizing why.
I'm only half.
1) ______
2) ______
3) Syrian.
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| Happy Birthday Samantha-- |
[28 Apr 2008|03:31pm] |
It's so funny how people never change.
I'm happy I've raked through the garbage.
There's only a few, but they make my life.
There seems to be this pattern of people wanting me to fail.
Like I should. Like I'm supposed to. Like I'm an addict. Or something.
Their intrigue in my life is not flattering, however I ask-- why?
Arabian documentary not so documented. Just a blur.
My mom doesn't want me to fail. So I won't.
I have approximately a 3.5 (or higher) GPA.
My lover finally supports me financially.
And I get to be in a dazed dream everyday of my life.
Justification:
Am I happy? Artificially.
However, is that not the American practice?
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| WE'RE IN LOVE WE'RE IN LOVE WE'RE IN LOVE! |
[31 Mar 2008|11:59am] |
I had a dream last night that Wally (my boss) raped me.
I ran down stairs crying to my crazy painting little pet.
My little pet unraped me, held me-- was there.
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| Befriending the plain and blanketing the old. |
[22 Nov 2007|10:12am] |
I have a cat,
His name is Kitty.
It is the most intimate relationship I've ever had.
It is my child and my spouse, and I'll always be creepy.
This is more for myself than anyone else.
It's time to document some of the pivots in my life.
I saw Ms. Young the other day at the hospital,
While I was getting my pinkie x-rays.
She looked old and I felt sad.
Time is running out.
Right, out.
There is no point.
College, is not over-rated.
College is not for everyone.
But I'm having fun,
Like I never thought I would.
I am an artist.
Like I never thought I would.
My house is beautiful,
And I appreciate it.
As well as the daily members
Of the Syrian household.
How lonely I would be
If they didn't knock on my door.
My other half [how silly]
Is in the hospital,
For Thanksgiving,
Sick in the head.
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| xfield3hockeyx: i'll try to bring some mixers like sprite |
[03 Dec 2006|03:31am] |
October 16, 2006
I type in Sinjab for dictionary.com
and I get-Did you mean Snow Job?
Senior year blows. Yeah sure, I'm the oldest.
Yeah sure, I'm the COOLEST. Yeah well I sure
don't have friends. I miss walking to school
and meeting up with the NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS. The
lack of intriguing beautiful people cause an
INJUSTICE! I miss getting excited to see interesting
people in the hallways. The reality is--there are
no interesting people in the hallways.
Fairhaven High is dead.
I love Nick Perrone.
Making fun of the abundance of lame (scene) people
permits entertainment for about five minutes and
then I realize how much I miss last year.
I can not wait to break free of the entire apathetic
atmosphere. But do I want to break away?--Now I'm not
qualifying Fairhaven High kids here. Can I leave
this consumed circle of people who don't care enough
about each other to pop each other's pimples? Who not
only are engrossed in their own paranoid lives, but
everyone elses? A circle of drug addicted teenagers
who have no idea what to do with themselves but to
over analyze every incident we have with one another?
I'm at fault.
And yet if we weren't so indulged, what would are
pathetic lives amount to. But hey, emotional overly
sensitive children from fucked up back grounds need to
do something right?
Me and Kathryn are friends. LIKE A TEAM.
As bad as I feel about rejecting someone...
My conscience just won't allow John Gibbs to touch me.
I don't have time to be self-conscious anymore.
I don't think I'm emotionally capable of having a boyfriend anymore.
targetxgroup: apple bobbing in a barrel filled with light beer
Did anyone realize I haven't updated since April.
I will always be in love with Beth Wright.
Zack Lobo needs to stop writing about every incident
we come in contact with each other in his livejournal.
Like, it's creepy.
I decided I'm going to go to school for art. Whether I'm
good or not is in debate. The fact of winning high school
artsy superlatives does not prove sorts. I can not really
see myself not being lazy enough/remotely interested in any
thing to do with academics. Awkward sentences for awkward people.
"I'm considering going to art school"
"I won't support that. I won't pay for it."
"Why not?"
"Honestly, I don't think you're good enough."
I'm still in love.
STILL HOLDING ONTO THE PAST!
It's been so long I can't even
distinguish if it's a joke or not.
so xmechanical: im so mad that
im eating pudding. AND IM ON A DIET
I've realized over and over and over again
that my father will be the only one that can
direct me any where to compassion. I've admitted
this to you Livejournal many a times. I want to
admit that I'm absolutely in love with you but I
never will. And my infatuation with the most humble
chaotic minded person I've ever met, haunts me.
Oh, to be 17.
This summer was a stroll down independent high way.
You can't stroll down a high way. Manhattan? Time Square?
Some of the best times of my life?
To adventure!
To lack of experience!
To the optimism I'll never have.
I'm betting Halloween is going to be amazing.
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| April 18 |
[27 Nov 2006|09:14am] |
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I can't remember since Thursday. I woke up and had no idea where i was. I hate when faggots like me. I have dirt in my shirt and under my fingernails. Drunk and horny are the only things I've got going. I've been trying to get Kathryn Bertrand to fall in love with me. I think I'm being kicked out of Katlyn's. I'm pretty sure this is when my life runs away.
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| PESRSS: I feel like you grew up 17 years ago. |
[26 Nov 2006|10:00am] |
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It's April 10, 2006. My mother and I came to the fact that we can't live together, and to see each other once in a while instead of being totally indulged in each others lives is going to be a good thing. I've been happy lately. I've been scared. I've had some of the best times of my life and summer is almost here. And it'll be warm and I'll stay happy forever. I'm getting a new car today for $500 because the Mazda's life is running low. No one really cares about any of this, but I'm going to make it.
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| March 9, 2006 |
[25 Nov 2006|01:46am] |
Hey, who wants to move out?
I think I'm getting desperate. I'm running out of houses to sleep at and it's not even the two week mark. Maybe there can be a rotation. I almost got an apartment today and I cried because I've never felt so undecided about my feelings in my entire life. We're not getting the apartment, so temporary living situation here I come. Again. Atleast I don't feel crazy anymore. I guess this is the change that I was expecting.
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[24 Nov 2006|09:35am] |
I haven't given up on you livejournal.
I won't give up on you livejournal.
Next Wednesday is my birthday.
Trio-party with Taylor&George?
I have no idea yet, but God I
hope I'm not working. If so,
you're invited everyone's invited.
I want to dance and wind up having
birthday sex.
Here comes the sun.
This vacation has pretty much been a
waste of time. Work and arab duties bring
a person down. But Emily Springer's birthday
bash tomorrow night should make it all worth while.
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[05 Feb 2006|11:59am] |
There's 388 days until I'm 18.
I went to the show Friday and saw everyone that's important. Drunks, skanks, and a pretty dancer with a big ego. Oh wait, I left with everyone that's important.
I feel like I've been waiting for something for about five months.
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[15 Jan 2006|04:34pm] |
I keep thinking it's the middle of May.
I really don't have anything to say. But it's either that or talk to my little sister right now. I was really satisfied with the sleep over at Katlyn's with Liz (and TJ/drunken Melissa kind of). I eat distgustingly overly excessively. I spent $345 yesterday, but I still LOVE MY CAR. Snoboarda1560 (5:21:26 PM): i saw your mom in stop and shop a little while ago Snoboarda1560 (5:21:40 PM): and she was like i havent seen her this happy about something ((car)) since she went to the dance with robert butters. I'm trying really hard not to admit that I miss Beth because that would just be CREEPY. Because honestly, I can live without Beth&Mark for 10 days! And I have been. And thank God I have Katlyn because Aliza's schedueling list is too blocked for me, and Nick Perrone is grounded! Other than that, I have no friends, other than a few that go to the space. SO! Space it was! last night. Jessica Gray smoking? I died. I think I'm on a smoking binge. I think it might be getting to the point where I can't not be angry unless I'm high. And my anger doesn't come out on livejournal or by threatening people or having it kept in a secret box under my quaker pillow. I guess that's why I'm constantly sarcastic. Constantly bitter, or something. Or maybe this is all an excuse because one day I woke up and turned into a pot head without realizing it because I have too much high-strung pride to admit it.
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[09 Jan 2006|10:32pm] |
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Christmas was family time. New Year's Eve was Southern Comfort time. I made it through the night without hitting on anyone this year. Thought about it! But then I just laughed. When did the space get boring? Oh yeah, right now. For about the sixth time. It's weird how a bunch of people that don't generally like each other are drawn to hanging out there every single weekend. My car is registered and the Mazda 323 whips. I think I'm going to start saving for an apartment now. By senior year I wana be out of there. I think this is the most progressively I'll ever grow up in one year.
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[21 Dec 2005|09:38pm] |
I'm not even going to bother catching up on livejournal stuff. Reading Aliza's last entry was filling enough.
Lately? LATELY, it's been a good time. It's nice knowing you have plans with someone pretty much any second you're free. It's nice being able to hang out with two people you know you'll end up laughing with until it hurts. It's nice going to the space without having to see Kathryn Bertrand.
It's not so nice having to go to the space because there's nothing to do or no where to go. And the cold kills me. It really does make me die inside every moment that I'm outside. Winter is just a time where going outside becomes a huge inconvenience. Going outside shouldn't have to be an inconvenience. It hasn't felt like Christmas at all. No christmas tree. No over kill. No spirit.
No hostility?
Just kidding.
Back home? or Foster care? Back home? or Foster care? Her threats won me over like I was a hurt puppy. That sounded like something I'd start with if I was writing a poem. But seriously, I don't feel like changing schools or homes just because I have a year left. One fucking year, at the most. And I really don't want to move out of my house because I love my house and everything about that house.
Four days on my own wasn't so bad though. Beth's party, not so bad. It reminded me that I sometimes miss hanging out with LIz. It was just the right people, as told by ALIza. New requirements at home though. 1) No substance abuse. 2) No abusing my mother. Exact words. Take home drug tests? Arab's in trouble.
But it'll all pass. And someday I'll be 17 in two months.
So I have a retarded aunt. Like, mentally handicapped. So I never really talk about it, but once in a while it comes up. And last night it came up and my dad said he's seriously considered if my mother has something wrong with her too. And so I died.
Someday I'll register my little red pid-diddle car and stop breaking so many many laws. And ALIza won't be the only one with a little red car, that looks like a Colt but is really a Mazda. And I'm so in love with that piece of shit car it's annoying me.
I realized this is the first time I'm not embarrassed with atleast one of my friends. Not even just a little bit. Not even when some of them where UG (sp?) boots or pink stilettos. And I haven't been this happy in so long.
No computer. No cell phone. No way to reach me.
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| It's 7:14 and I'm waiting to try Abilio's egg sandwiches. |
[11 Dec 2005|07:09am] |
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This weekend has been nice. Borrowed underwear and romantic dinners for three. I guess I'm temporarily homeless. Which isn' a bad thing, but there's too much of lack of showering. I'm just afraid eventually I'm going to run out of doors to knock on. I have the most supportive friends ever. It's funny how I can stay out as late as I want, go wherever I want, and I end up doing the same thing I do everyday and being fine with it. I need to stop driving an unregistered car. Top priority Monday--Registry. Patty hasn't even tried to come in contact with me. It was gorgeous out yesterday.
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[09 Dec 2005|07:25pm] |
I got into a physical fight with my mother. Not punching. I got kicked out of my house today. My mother's been telling me for the past week she doesn't want to live with me anymore. She said she doesn't like how I am and who I am. She said I have to leave. So we got into a fight and I left. I ran in the snowstorm to Mark's house, the only safe place I have left besides Katlyn's.
I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know how it's going to end up and I don't want to be sent to my father's. I don't want to lose everything I have here. I want to roam Fairhaven until I graduate. I can't leave Fairhaven until I graduate. What the fuck am I going to do. I don't know whwat to do. I don't know where to go. I can't leave. I just can't.
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rajasinjab's journal